he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
