I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
