have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
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I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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