Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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