My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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