Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
