apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
