I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
stfu you slept on the patio!?!