Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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