Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
