just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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