Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
