I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
