my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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