I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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