My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
