Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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