I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
