it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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