umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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