I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
