I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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