Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
