U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
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I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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