My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
