Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
