I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
