that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
