I'm eating all of the evidence.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
