my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...