I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
