got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
