My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
