If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
