you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
