The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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