one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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