That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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