I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
