His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
