This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
