I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
