I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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