Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
