saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my being single is dangerous.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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