dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
