he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
