even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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