you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
