if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I deserve this hangover.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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