So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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