I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
