so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize