I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
