where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
