he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
