this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
