opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
