I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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