I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
