the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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