This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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